Showing posts with label HOW to. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HOW to. Show all posts
Thursday, May 26, 2011
How To: Get your cop to stop drinking out of the milk carton, or stop any of the other million things he does that gets under your skin.
So with talking to my mom and other wives I have found that guys just don’t get it. T-rex is great at leaving his socks in the living room! Here is a short list of things to try with your cop to get him to stop breaking the rules:
1. Write a violation handbook, complete with fines for each violation. Such as:
a. Drink out of milk carton ~ wash all the dishes
b. Leave socks in the living room ~ do all the laundry
2. Get a ticket book, to make it look more official
3. “Jail time” likely will not work as the cop tends to have some fancy toy in his room, not to mention he will still think bedtime is a conjugal visit!
4. Get the kids to act as undercover officers to bust him
5. If all else fails get the girls at NPWA to give you a shovel!
***This is dedicated to my loving husband who has mastered the art of drinking out of the carton when my back is turned for just a second. I love you babe!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
How to: Worry like a pro
1. Find something to worry about, for me it is when T-rex does not call when I think he should call, this could be a few hours to a few minutes.
2. Hold phone, maybe even dial his number, but don’t call out of fear that his ringing phone will alert the bad guys to his dark hiding location behind the boxes and they will all open fire on him at once, he will have that sad cartoon look of despair as he fumbles to silence the phone, shoot, and hide all at the same time.
3. Find something to distract you, avoid the bed room, laundry room, and kitchen, all of which remind you that your cop is not home.
4. After so long, call another police wife or get on Nation Police Wife Association and whine about how annoying it is
5. Stair out the window, get grumpy whenever someone drives by in a vehicle that even might kind of in dim light look like the patrol cars.
6. Refresh all news sites 100 times an hour.
7. Give up and mentally make peace with the fact that if your cop is not hurt already he will when he gets home
8. When your cop comes home yell at him for at least 15 minutes. “Why did you not call?” and “No, I wasn’t worried I just needed to know when to start dinner” are phrases that can be repeated as often as you wish.
9. Repeat as often as needed.
2. Hold phone, maybe even dial his number, but don’t call out of fear that his ringing phone will alert the bad guys to his dark hiding location behind the boxes and they will all open fire on him at once, he will have that sad cartoon look of despair as he fumbles to silence the phone, shoot, and hide all at the same time.
3. Find something to distract you, avoid the bed room, laundry room, and kitchen, all of which remind you that your cop is not home.
4. After so long, call another police wife or get on Nation Police Wife Association and whine about how annoying it is
5. Stair out the window, get grumpy whenever someone drives by in a vehicle that even might kind of in dim light look like the patrol cars.
6. Refresh all news sites 100 times an hour.
7. Give up and mentally make peace with the fact that if your cop is not hurt already he will when he gets home
8. When your cop comes home yell at him for at least 15 minutes. “Why did you not call?” and “No, I wasn’t worried I just needed to know when to start dinner” are phrases that can be repeated as often as you wish.
9. Repeat as often as needed.
Monday, March 7, 2011
How to: get blood out work pants
1. Freak out that there is blood on his pants
2. Demand that he strip them off in the backyard, garage, or other location as far away from you as he can.
3. Have him put all his clothing in a big paper bag
4. Add some newspaper to the bag (helps absorb the blood)
5. Set bag in outside grill, fireplace, or other such location
6. Light bag on fire
7. Walk away happy to help
8. Find out when he is yelling about burnt pants that it was only fake blood used for training and he was messing around with you
9. Say “well that should teach you”
10. Pay no attention to his questions on why you never asked if he was okay. Truth is if he is not missing a body part when he comes home you will still have to deal with crazy pranks like this and it’s nothing to get too excited about anymore.
2. Demand that he strip them off in the backyard, garage, or other location as far away from you as he can.
3. Have him put all his clothing in a big paper bag
4. Add some newspaper to the bag (helps absorb the blood)
5. Set bag in outside grill, fireplace, or other such location
6. Light bag on fire
7. Walk away happy to help
8. Find out when he is yelling about burnt pants that it was only fake blood used for training and he was messing around with you
9. Say “well that should teach you”
10. Pay no attention to his questions on why you never asked if he was okay. Truth is if he is not missing a body part when he comes home you will still have to deal with crazy pranks like this and it’s nothing to get too excited about anymore.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
How to understand your husband when he is talking about work
In 5 easy steps you too can understand your husband as easily as Yellow understands T-rex!
1. Pay attention to the real words he uses. They will be rare mostly in between words like 10-16 and “Hot call.”
2. Smile a lot and say things like “Oh”
3. Put together enough of the real words to understand if it was a good day or a bad day
4. Sympathize accordingly.
5. Play the cartoons in your head.
You may be asking how this helps you understand what your husband is talking about. The truth is that it does not help you understand, but helps you cope. Enjoy the cartoons!
1. Pay attention to the real words he uses. They will be rare mostly in between words like 10-16 and “Hot call.”
2. Smile a lot and say things like “Oh”
3. Put together enough of the real words to understand if it was a good day or a bad day
4. Sympathize accordingly.
5. Play the cartoons in your head.
You may be asking how this helps you understand what your husband is talking about. The truth is that it does not help you understand, but helps you cope. Enjoy the cartoons!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
HOW TO: Iron a uniform
1. Enjoy taking uniform off husband. Actually, just think you will enjoy taking uniform off husband. The stink and sweat make the uniform unpleasant to touch, when it is off there is an even nastier vest and undershirt on.
2. Tell husband to put uniform in the hamper.
3. Husband gets uniform in hamper but puts vest and undershirt on bed.
4. Yell at husband for putting vest and undershirt on bed! (see how to wash a Kevlar vest and stinky undershirt)
5. Notice husband did not take off all the “brass” so spend about 10 minutes messing with that. Poke your little finger, and yell at husband for forgetting to take the “metal poky things” off.
6. Wash uniform according to directions; add a little more detergent because it was so close to stink vest and undershirt.
7. Dry uniform according to directions.
8. Spend 20 minutes looking for iron that you never use anymore.
9. Question the intelligence at the office. “Everything is 'wash and wear' any more, these guys are in the stone age!”
10. Spend 15 minutes getting all the wrinkles out.
11. Admire your work, and go brag to husband about it.
12. When husband remarks that it needs the little lines ironed down the legs throw uniform at his face.
13. Husband, now a cop, and master of verbal judo
, makes you feel guilty and determined to get it right. The usage of “Mark’s wife. . . . .” is enough to make you want to stab him, but you are better than Mark’s wife so off you go to try again!
14. Get back to laundry room where the iron was still left on. I guess it was a cosmic sign or something.
15. Burn finger on hot iron.
16. Give up and take uniform to the cleaners so they can “press” it. Spend a few minutes daydreaming about what “pressing” a uniform means. I, personally, am sure they have a thing the size of a bed that smashes the uniform into shape. I don’t want one, so I should take the uniform to a place where they already have one.
17. Sneak out back door so husband does not see you are not like “Mark’s wife”
18. When out stop and get a nice cup of coffee, you know the kind that cost over a day’s salary
19. Show Husband clean and pressed uniform. Take all the credit, and ask if he thinks you are better than “Mark’s wife" now! When he says "yes babe, Mark’s wife takes his down to the cleaner” and starts to laugh avoid dumping coffee on him, but it is okay to throw uniform at his face again.
20. Write a random letter to the office ever day saying how the cops look stupid in their dressy uniforms, even though secretly you think nothing is hotter than a cop in uniform. Recommend all the cops go to “wash and wear” uniforms, also called soft uniforms. A polo shirt would be just fine.
21. Mail said letters from the store where you are going to stock up on massive amounts of starch. Who cares if your husband can’t move? The lines down the legs are never coming out!
2. Tell husband to put uniform in the hamper.
3. Husband gets uniform in hamper but puts vest and undershirt on bed.
4. Yell at husband for putting vest and undershirt on bed! (see how to wash a Kevlar vest and stinky undershirt)
5. Notice husband did not take off all the “brass” so spend about 10 minutes messing with that. Poke your little finger, and yell at husband for forgetting to take the “metal poky things” off.
6. Wash uniform according to directions; add a little more detergent because it was so close to stink vest and undershirt.
7. Dry uniform according to directions.
8. Spend 20 minutes looking for iron that you never use anymore.
9. Question the intelligence at the office. “Everything is 'wash and wear' any more, these guys are in the stone age!”
10. Spend 15 minutes getting all the wrinkles out.
11. Admire your work, and go brag to husband about it.
12. When husband remarks that it needs the little lines ironed down the legs throw uniform at his face.
13. Husband, now a cop, and master of verbal judo
, makes you feel guilty and determined to get it right. The usage of “Mark’s wife. . . . .” is enough to make you want to stab him, but you are better than Mark’s wife so off you go to try again!14. Get back to laundry room where the iron was still left on. I guess it was a cosmic sign or something.
15. Burn finger on hot iron.
16. Give up and take uniform to the cleaners so they can “press” it. Spend a few minutes daydreaming about what “pressing” a uniform means. I, personally, am sure they have a thing the size of a bed that smashes the uniform into shape. I don’t want one, so I should take the uniform to a place where they already have one.
17. Sneak out back door so husband does not see you are not like “Mark’s wife”
18. When out stop and get a nice cup of coffee, you know the kind that cost over a day’s salary
19. Show Husband clean and pressed uniform. Take all the credit, and ask if he thinks you are better than “Mark’s wife" now! When he says "yes babe, Mark’s wife takes his down to the cleaner” and starts to laugh avoid dumping coffee on him, but it is okay to throw uniform at his face again.
20. Write a random letter to the office ever day saying how the cops look stupid in their dressy uniforms, even though secretly you think nothing is hotter than a cop in uniform. Recommend all the cops go to “wash and wear” uniforms, also called soft uniforms. A polo shirt would be just fine.
21. Mail said letters from the store where you are going to stock up on massive amounts of starch. Who cares if your husband can’t move? The lines down the legs are never coming out!
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