Wednesday, July 28, 2010

How to wash a Kevlar vest, and get the stink out of an undershirt:

Please note that this is just a general outline. You may find you can skip a few steps, or you may need to add a few more. For instance you may want to make your husband do number 4, or you may find step number 1 is best repeated every other step. This is okay. The rules can be changed. If it is a must you will see a * beside the step. Some steps must be done before others. In that case you will see a little ^ next to the step to indicate that this step must be done before the ones after it.

1. Yell at husband for putting stinky shirt and vest on bed. Now the whole room stinks like underarms, and your new bedding is too big for your little washer, so you must take it downtown to get clean.

2. Pull everything off your bed and storm around bedroom spraying any kind of air freshener you like. I like Hawaiian air or something by Fabreze but you may find another more to your taste.

3. *^ spray shirt and vest with flower air freshener. Notice that your husband would now stink like a girl and this would get him a nice bashing at the office. Don’t care at the moment.

4. Take bedding downtown to get washed

5. Come home to find that the room stinks of flowers and underarms now.

6. Find the vest stinks of flowers and underarms

7. Yell at husband again for putting vest and shirt on clean bed.

8. **^ take vest apart. To do this you need to remove all the plates inside the vest, there are typically two big ones and one or two smaller ones. Big ones unzip out of the vest. The small one is covering the heart area. Notice the plates go back in the SAME way they came out, facing the same way and everything.

9. Don’t care how to put the thing back because the plates are getting stuck and you can’t really touch anything out of fear of the stink getting on you.

10. Put vest shell in washer on warm/cold setting, use lots of detergent, and maybe a little fabric softener. Some good detergent would be baking soda, and vinegar. Or whatever you like that smells good.

11. Hang vest shell to dry. If it still stinks a little spray it with normal Fabreze or something and give up!

12. *If undershirt is not white, make him wash it, alone with nothing else so the stink cannot get on anything else in the house. Or put it in the trash!

13. When vest is drying wash the undershirt alone in HOT/HOT water, using massive amounts of detergent, bleach, and fabric softener.

14. Dry shirt on HOT setting also. This is believed to help kill any leftover stink. This may or may not be true.

15. Yell once more. This time mostly at the vest for being so hard to put back together.

16. Put vest on to see which way it goes

17. Put the plates back into the vest.

18. Worry that you got them in wrong and now something is going to happen and the vest will not work like it should

19. Come to peace with that thought. Remember he left his vest ON THE BED!

20. Go get bedding from downtown and stop by the seamstress so she can stitch onto the bedding: “IF YOU PUT YOUR STINKY NASTY VEST ON HERE AGAIN YOU WILL HAVE YOUR ROOM MOVED TO THE GARAGE “also stop by to get a quote from the movers.

21. ** Take yourself to the spa to relax and unwind from the work out of washing a Kevlar Vest.

This post is dedicated to ANN T.  Check out her blog for some deep thinking @ Ann T. Hathaway


Pam Landy said...

I am DYING - Bravo. Simply bravo. Encore! :D

Ann T. said...

Dear Yellow,

I am copying this for the household manual I plan to write someday after everything else. If you ever get in a fundraiser for cookbook, you should make this a recipe!!

Thanks for the kudos! I am grateful. And back to you! Underneath the humor, I definitely see you are worried for his safety--and he is not worried about the bedspread!!!

Thanks for a great read!
Ann T.

Yellow said...

Ann~ You gave me a great idea for a little project. ;)