Thursday, August 5, 2010

HOW TO: Iron a uniform

1. Enjoy taking uniform off husband. Actually, just think you will enjoy taking uniform off husband. The stink and sweat make the uniform unpleasant to touch, when it is off there is an even nastier vest and undershirt on.

2. Tell husband to put uniform in the hamper.

3. Husband gets uniform in hamper but puts vest and undershirt on bed.

4. Yell at husband for putting vest and undershirt on bed! (see how to wash a Kevlar vest and stinky undershirt)

5. Notice husband did not take off all the “brass” so spend about 10 minutes messing with that. Poke your little finger, and yell at husband for forgetting to take the “metal poky things” off.

6. Wash uniform according to directions; add a little more detergent because it was so close to stink vest and undershirt.

7. Dry uniform according to directions.

8. Spend 20 minutes looking for iron that you never use anymore.

9. Question the intelligence at the office. “Everything is 'wash and wear' any more, these guys are in the stone age!”

10. Spend 15 minutes getting all the wrinkles out.

11. Admire your work, and go brag to husband about it.

12. When husband remarks that it needs the little lines ironed down the legs throw uniform at his face.

13. Husband, now a cop, and master of verbal judo, makes you feel guilty and determined to get it right. The usage of “Mark’s wife. . . . .” is enough to make you want to stab him, but you are better than Mark’s wife so off you go to try again!

14. Get back to laundry room where the iron was still left on. I guess it was a cosmic sign or something.

15. Burn finger on hot iron.

16. Give up and take uniform to the cleaners so they can “press” it. Spend a few minutes daydreaming about what “pressing” a uniform means. I, personally, am sure they have a thing the size of a bed that smashes the uniform into shape. I don’t want one, so I should take the uniform to a place where they already have one.

17. Sneak out back door so husband does not see you are not like “Mark’s wife”

18. When out stop and get a nice cup of coffee, you know the kind that cost over a day’s salary

19. Show Husband clean and pressed uniform. Take all the credit, and ask if he thinks you are better than “Mark’s wife" now! When he says "yes babe, Mark’s wife takes his down to the cleaner” and starts to laugh avoid dumping coffee on him, but it is okay to throw uniform at his face again.

20. Write a random letter to the office ever day saying how the cops look stupid in their dressy uniforms, even though secretly you think nothing is hotter than a cop in uniform. Recommend all the cops go to “wash and wear” uniforms, also called soft uniforms. A polo shirt would be just fine.

21. Mail said letters from the store where you are going to stock up on massive amounts of starch. Who cares if your husband can’t move? The lines down the legs are never coming out!


Sister Copinherhair said...

Kevlar is the worst! This was hilarious!

Momma Hen said...

You have me rolling! We use febreeze on the kevlar around here. :) and yeah...there isn't anything much hotter than a cop in uniform!

Yellow said...

Sister~ Oddly I think its the undershirt that is the worst! Kevlar always has a funny smell, but not like well. .ya know the undershirt. LOL

Momma Hen~ Oh yes I am going to get stock in Fabreeze soon!

Spark Check said...

... or, you could take the uniform to the cleaners and save yourself the headache. ;-)

Courtney said...

I have to laugh. Tried this a few times and gave up. I now send them to the cleaners because "I can't get those two lines down the back right". Whatever.......

Laura said...

Hilarious! And I can only imagine your pain. I refuse to iron. This is my number one reason for not marrying someone who has to wear a uniform. lol

Yellow said...

Laura~ Smart! Sadly T-rex didnt have to have a uniform when we got married, he tricked me!

Courtney~ I got lucky and T-rex is now in soft uniforms, I only had to iron once, if it was more than that then he would be taking them to the cleaners

Spark~ Yeah. .. :)

Ann T. said...

Dear Yellow,
The dry cleaners Definitely has my vote!
And Mark's wife definitely is not as funny as you.

Ann T.

wereijane said...

I had to laugh at this because so much of it rings true. Until our recent move, where we have a full glass front door, my husband would start streaking off portions of his uniform the moment he stepped into the house. Now, he could get away with it because he worked a shift that had him in between 3 and 4 in the a.m. and I wasn't always there to remind him of the hamper. Years of asking just didn't click as a reminder after the nights he had. I'd see trails starting from the front door, through the foyer, in the kitchen and finally in the bedroom. I hated it.

Yellow said...


OMG! YES! I have had to yell at the kids for getting undressed the minute they come home from school! my living room is a hamper! When I yell at them about it they just say "Well daddy does it" LOL Now he has gotten a little better, but Gosh what is up with that? Do they really need to get out of work clothes so fast they cant chill out until they can get to the right place to do such things? I can see the trail from the door to the bedroom! I feel for you I really do.