There are no words to explain the feeling a police wife has when her husband is called out in the middle of the night, to go do who knows what, and he will be back when he is back. And we say WHEN even if there are moments of fear that it might be IF.
Today is a rainy, windy, stay at home and watch a movie day. T-rex just got done working a 12 hour night shift. He stayed up to chill out thinking this was going to be his day off and he wanted to get switched around. About two hours after falling asleep he gets a call “Time go gear up and go” I hear yelling from the room to find T-rex trying to get awake and dressed. All I am ever told is “I got to go” sometimes I might get more information after everything is done, but the truth is sometimes he doesn’t even know what is going on until he is in the middle of it. I do my best to be the good wife, make him some coffee and find his pants (wives always find the pants). Still it’s too soon and he gone. I am left alone with more questions than answers.
I know it is part of the job, I know I am not the only wife who has to deal with this, it just stinks. Tomorrow is Lilly’s birthday. There is so much to do and I suddenly just want to sit around the phone. I know that sitting around the phone will not help me at all, and will drive me and everyone nuts. Still the worry, or stress, or something takes hold and I feel unsettled until he comes back home.
Maybe it is just habit, maybe I am a little nuts, but I sit and run my plan in my head at least once within the first hour or two of him being gone. I would move back home, I would stay with his parents until I could get on my feet, my kids would go to their aunt’s house for daycare, we will stay near family, I will pay off school and get a job. The plan is just to make sure the kids and I don’t starve to death, I can’t think of anything else. I am sure that type of pressure on him is not good, I hope he knows that there is a plan and that we would keep going.... I can’t add emotions to it, there are already too many emotions going.
I took the kids to the store, Rae needed new shoes, and she always needs new shoes! I felt so detached from everything; even a distraction that keeps my mind off T-rex does not keep my mind in the here and now. It’s not that I cannot function; there is just a weight in the air. It’s not that I cannot be happy; I just wish he was here. The unknown is also hard for me. I know some people can deal with it, I just wish that I knew.
So for today, we will go about our day with a lot of unknowns, and some worry. There is something about your husband being called away with no notice that is unlike anything else with this job, and there is already enough stress with this job! Oh well, off to make me some coffee and read a book.