Sunday, January 2, 2011

Finding peace in a morbid thought

T-rex worked New Years Eve, the roads were nasty and my mind was running wild. I hate to think of him getting hurt at work. And I think for the most part I do a fine job at not letting the morbid thoughts take over. Sure I write about them when they come up and maybe talk about them to death. But over all I think I do okay at nothing about him getting hurt every time he is out on the road.

But we had snow and ice and drunkness fun New Years Eve. And I hate driving in snow and ice. It also didn’t help that he worked no less than 3 slide offs in the first few hours he was at work. I hate driving. I worry all the time that we are going to slide off the road, and then to hear about T-rex working so many car accidents I worried.

I lay in bed alone, at around 1:30 and my typical panic set in. I thought I heard a knock at the door and in my drug induced sleep it was the Sheriff and under Sheriff here to tell me that T-rex was in an accident at work. And like most dreams I was yelling at them to go away one minute and the next I was packing my house up. Notice I missed telling the kids, which on some psychological level might mean something. I was going to stay at my parents’ house. They just moved to the city to open a Christian recovery house. So their house I empty and they need someone to rent it. Anyway there was a peace in knowing that there was some place I could go. I didn’t dwell on T-rex being gone, I just made a plan and moved on.

So in the morning when T-rex and I were talking this very thing came up. I let him know that if he was going to be so rude and die on me he better do it when he was at work. He agreed. The pay for me and the kids would be much better! Then we talked about me moving back to our home town if something happened and stuff, to which he only said “I wouldn’t care. . . I would be dead.” Nice way to comfort me!

Yet, I know I am not the only police wife who seeks to find the comfort and peace or security even in something so upsetting. And I know I am not the only wife who thinks of things like this.
NEW YORK - DECEMBER 31:  The Times Square New ...Well to my luck he came home with the rest of the night being slow, which is good. Holidays always bug me when he has to work. In all the years we have been married we have not been able to really spend a New Years Eve together. The first few I was pregnant and went to bed early. The last 5 or so he has worked, or that one I was pregnant and went to bed early! They say that whatever your life is like on New Years Eve your life will be like that the rest of the year. One year my mom got a speeding ticket on New Years Eve, she had never had one before, and the rest of the year she was getting pulled over and such. Well if it is any sign of my life I will go another year of not seeing T-rex much.

Enhanced by Zemanta


Meadowlark said...

We've always joked that if something happens to him at home, I need to throw his uniform on and drape him over the mailbox out by the curb. That was he was working AND protecting federal property. WOOT double-dip!

nah... husband isn't going on duty. He'll be crossing the street, turn to look at a good lookin' blonde in a convertible and get mowed down by a redneck in a 4x4. :)

Always have a plan though.

Momma Hen said...

I've told Mike he better die at work too! Then I ask him, " you want me to do anything specific after you die?" (because I have a list for him if I go first.) He's the same as T-Rex " can do whatever you want. I won't care...I'll be dead." Ha!

Yellow said...

Meadow! LOL. I always tell him I will get him dressed and put him in his truck, but now I like the way you think ;)

Momma~ Why are they like that? I have a long list of stuff for him, like I don't know, Just how I want the family to keep going. And oddly I think it would upset me if he married again, not because I don't want him to be happy and stuff, but I don't want the kids to call someone else mom. . I know its dumb but whatever. When I ask him what he would think if I remarried he says "whatever. . .Just don't marry some democrat" LOL oh well.

Meadowlark said...

"Just don't marry some democrat"
snicker snicker

Rebecca said...

It never happens but this year I get bragging wrights that The Mr had New Years Eve off!! I was so thankful b/c there was a double homicide in the city. Stopping By to say Happy New Year! PS I love the nickname T-rex he he. Cute.

I love a Cop said...

You are most certainly not alone in thinking about this subject at all. Dh and I have already made more then one plan of what I would do, what he would want me to do, what would be best for our family and we change it as we hit different stages in life. I also told him just recently that he better die on the job if he was planning on kicking the bucket anytime soon. Otherwise I'd be forced to try and pull his uniform pants on him if and some how pass off putting up the Christmas lights on the roof as "official police business" Man, your blog has just made my night. Now I'll stop gushing...:)