I have never really had much to say about gun laws. I usually feel inadequate expressing sorrow for a tragic event such as what happened in the elementary school today. But over the last several hours I have been able to look at the events and my own life, like we all have. For the first time in years I cried for children I did not even know, but I cried for my own also. My children are the same ages as the children in that school, something not unique to me. My children could have been there. It is easy to put myself in the shoes of the parents who lost a child today, or a parent who was so blessed to bring their child home. The trauma all the children now face is beyond my ability to understand. There is a fake news site (one that I personally cannot stand) that posted an article about the events, they put into worlds quite well what I think most people are feeling right now “Fuck this shit I can’t fucking deal with it!”  Yep. That really is all we can say right now. The best thing I have ever been told when I was facing a loss of my own was “Well, This suck!”  Because it does, but nothing anyone says or does will undo what was done.  I don’t think this is the time to start the argument over “more guns or less guns” “more God, or more tolerance, and understanding” Truth be told, I wanted more guns in the RIGHT hands and less guns in the criminal hands.  I prayed and I cannot understand or tolerate what happened.

But because the topic of Gun control, and such has come up it has be on my mind today as well. I don’t think we as a nation can make an emotional choice on this topic, and I know we are highly charged emotionally. When looking at the data, the understanding of good and evil, the mindset of people, teachers, cops, and others there is no simple solution to this problem we have.  Here is what I know: Gun crimes kill more people when the good guys don’t have a way to protect themselves. Every choice we make has the potential to snowball into dire states. Let us say we unarm all of America, Crime WILL go up, the government WILL become too powerful, Innocent people WILL die, more children WILL die.  Do not be like the Jews and say “That cannot happen!”  Because it can, it has, and it WILL again if we let it.

Let us say we take the other extreme and arm the teachers and school staff. Let’s start out with just one armed officer at each and every school. Things will take time, but the schools WILL become a prison, the students will be taught by the military (not called the military clearly!)  But order WILL be held at all times, with an armed guard. Our governments WILL dictate more and more of what a student can and cannot do, learn, and think, and before we know it our nation will be enslaved by propaganda.

So what is the solution?  Go back to homeschooling?  No, there are cases that show that is no safer.  Embrace the arming of everyone?  Maybe?  Unarm everyone? (I want a fighting chance against my enslavement thank you very much!) No.  The simple truth is that there is NO solution. Good and evil will always fight for balance. There will always be sick unhealthy people out there. And the sad truth is that this SUCKS, but there is nothing that can be done to stop it.  What we can do is the best we can do to keep ourselves safe, our children safe, and understand that life really does just suck at times. Raise YOUR children the best you can, love strong, forgive always.

The day I found Ammo in the dryer

I have had this blog for a few years now. I write here and there, but the name has always made me smile. I think I got it from a list of “you know you are a police wife when . . . .” you find ammo in the dryer.

Today just that happened.

I did the wash like I always do, but stayed in the laundry room to fold some cloths with the dryer going, something I rarely do. It was a good thing I stayed, I heard a clink, clink, clink in the dryer and went to check. Sure enough in T-rex’s pants pocket was one un-shoot bullet.

SO, I did what any great police wife would do. I took a picture of it and sent it to T-rex. Then things got really fun!  I never text T-rex when he is at work because most of the time he is driving around. It took him a few minutes but he called me back in rush.

T-rex: What was the picture of?

Me: a bullet you that got washed!

T-rex: “oh really?”

Me: “Yes!”

T-rex: “Okay I got to go I am in the middle of a chase”

 

Then I didn’t hear from him for an hour. Our whole county is just about an hour drive, and if they are speeding it wouldn’t take that long, right?!  So I was just about to panic when I get a text from him “Not a chase, just a man hunt” 

And this is also the day I put ammo in his pillow.  Because I don’t have anything else. . . . .

Sometimes I am crazy . . . Other times I am nuts

Today was one of those perfect days where the weather I great and the air I fresh, then the kids got up.

Actually it wasn’t that bad today. The kids were okay, but I had too much peace when they were asleep. It gave me time to think, and yet I sit down to write it and I cannot remember anything but how I need to clean the playroom.

Yesterday my mom and I had like an hour long conversation on the benefits of rose flavored fragranced Toilet paper.

Last week I saw the old doctor across the way bring the old lady next door some cookies or something. It was a cute moment.

Today UPS dropped off my third history book for my next classes.  This is the THIRD book and it’s bigger than my bible.

With the Olympics going on I think I can do some of that . . . so I started to work out. It lasted two day, I have a blister.

I am doing my history paper on the Panama Canal.  It is due next week, I haven’t started.

T-rex is on nights. Nothing about that . . . other than it explains some of the crazy.

I didn't drop off the face of the blog world . . . Yet. . . I don't think . .

Things have been good.  But just Good, and then not too hot, and then you know, OKAY.  O.K.A.Y.  And we have been happy in OKAY for the last few months. 

It’s the middle years of being a police officer.  About 7 years right now, some of that time in the jail, some on the road, but 7 years seeing the trash society spits out can make a person well. …..Just OKAY. 

There is nothing wrong with Okay, only that it is not great!  T-rex and I have also been married for almost 9 years. . .we are doing Okay.  Well sometimes we are doing WOW AWESOME!!  And other times I try to think of places to put the body . . .but that’s all okay.

T-rex is getting to the point where the job is just another job, and that is fine, we all get that way with things.  I have days where there is nothing you can do to get me motivated to take care of the kids, so I do it halfass and call it day.  Other days I am like amazing mom with book reading powers and owe kisses to save the world.  Yeah I rock that much!

I guess the hard part for me right now is that I can’t see my life without T-rex being a police officer in some way.  He is part cowboy here; it is in his blood kind of thing.  Without that he would change and so would I.  There is nothing wrong with change, and I want him to be happy, but he is a police officer and I am a police wife that is just how it is.  So seeing the satisfaction level drop a million points is hard.

Not to mention in a life where there is no stability I just now found some and he isn’t really feeling it.

I wonder if he and the department can get some therapy like couples therapy?  I wonder how that would even go:

T-rex: “You made me miss dinner again!”

Department: “It’s because I need you!”

T-rex “You gave me a bad evaluation on something I do amazing awesome on!”

Department “I am sorry!  You are so much better than you have been this last week.”

T-rex “yeah well, I haven’t gotten any sleep, and I don’t want to deal with dumb people anymore”

Therapist: “how could you two help each other to be better to one another?”

                                Oh T-rex if only you knew that now that your eyes were open to the dumb people you would see them everywhere for the rest of your life.  If your wife can spot a drunk driver now there is no hope of going back.

Don’t forget your coffee!

There are no words to explain the feeling a police wife has when her husband is called out in the middle of the night, to go do who knows what, and he will be back when he is back. And we say WHEN even if there are moments of fear that it might be IF.

Today is a rainy, windy, stay at home and watch a movie day. T-rex just got done working a 12 hour night shift. He stayed up to chill out thinking this was going to be his day off and he wanted to get switched around. About two hours after falling asleep he gets a call “Time go gear up and go” I hear yelling from the room to find T-rex trying to get awake and dressed. All I am ever told is “I got to go” sometimes I might get more information after everything is done, but the truth is sometimes he doesn’t even know what is going on until he is in the middle of it.  I do my best to be the good wife, make him some coffee and find his pants (wives always find the pants). Still it’s too soon and he gone. I am left alone with more questions than answers.

I know it is part of the job, I know I am not the only wife who has to deal with this, it just stinks. Tomorrow is Lilly’s birthday. There is so much to do and I suddenly just want to sit around the phone. I know that sitting around the phone will not help me at all, and will drive me and everyone nuts. Still the worry, or stress, or something takes hold and I feel unsettled until he comes back home.

Maybe it is just habit, maybe I am a little nuts, but I sit and run my plan in my head at least once within the first hour or two of him being gone.  I would move back home, I would stay with his parents until I could get on my feet, my kids would go to their aunt’s house for daycare, we will stay near family, I will pay off school and get a job. The plan is just to make sure the kids and I don’t starve to death, I can’t think of anything else. I am sure that type of pressure on him is not good, I hope he knows that there is a plan and that we would keep going.... I can’t add emotions to it, there are already too many emotions going.

I took the kids to the store, Rae needed new shoes, and she always needs new shoes!  I felt so detached from everything; even a distraction that keeps my mind off T-rex does not keep my mind in the here and now.  It’s not that I cannot function; there is just a weight in the air.  It’s not that I cannot be happy; I just wish he was here. The unknown is also hard for me. I know some people can deal with it, I just wish that I knew. 

So for today, we will go about our day with a lot of unknowns, and some worry.  There is something about your husband being called away with no notice that is unlike anything else with this job, and there is already enough stress with this job!  Oh well, off to make me some coffee and read a book.  

My melt down

Yeah about that, sorry.  The stress of college and T-rex changing hours really must have gotten to me. Oh who cares!  The point is I ended up with an A not a D on that paper I was stressing out about, so I feel like a dork.  Moving on. .  .

About T-rex and the motorcycle club!  He joined as soon as he got a bike; it was something he wanted to do long before he even got the bike.  Oh and he got a Harley. . which I love. .. . and I am not a bike person. Oh I really love the Harley!

Okay anyway, the club info right?? http://www.expendablesmc.org/ look em up on face book too, you will likely find a chapter in your state, if not start one!  T-rex started the chapter in our state, and already has the 4 needed for a chapter.  I guess I need to get “old lady” patches.  But I will punch anyone who calls me an old lady.. ..You have been warned.

Maybe I will get T-rex to write about the club soon. 

3:00 Am

So it is way too early, and I have not gotten any sleep yet.  Why you ask?  Okay you didn’t really ask, but I am going to tell you anyway. I have NO CLUE!

But, when it gets so early like this and I can’t even think right I start to think crazy things.

Like T-rex joined a motorcycle club for Law enforcement.  And I still can’t get over how strange that is. I will fill you in when I can think!

Or how I am still not doing well in History and I really wonder if I am cut out for this, but it is still all I want to do. Maybe it is just the stress that is getting to me and things really will not be that bad.  Or maybe I really do stink and I should give up and run for some political office, they never seem good at anything.

So I am sitting here feeling all sorry for myself and my bad grades before the class has even had a chance to end week one. I thought I would write some smart list of things I am “good” at, such as run on sentences; but then I thought I would write a list of things I really am good at, but after 10 minutes of nothing coming to mind I realized that we have created a society where good is not good enough. I am good at cooking pancakes, but no pro so I dare not list that. I am good at writing (past a 5^th grade level) but no novel writer, so I cannot post that. I am good at understanding sociology and psychology but I am not a professional in that field so I cannot really list that either. We don’t give ourselves credit for the things we are good at; we only count it if we are like rock-star good.

I might not be good at this whole history thing. I might have to work extra hard at figuring out what my teachers want, if they even know! But I know I am good at teaching, I know that I am good at knowing what I want to do. So it stinks, and I am likely to whine a lot more about bad grades and mean teachers, but I am going to keep going…….. As soon as I get back from my ride.

School work and time with DH.

So, it’s like this, I stink at grammar, spelling, and general sentence construction. The really sad thing is I type like I write.  ..  .so I might, maybe sound like an idiot.  At least that is the impression I get from my history teacher.  Hey, it is better than turning in my papers in 10 codes!
   This session’s classes are coming to an end. And I feel like I can breathe.  I still have a few things to do, but I made it to the end!  If I can pass these classes I will be very happy.

With all the work I have been doing and DH switching shifts this last week things have been a little crazy.  He got a motorcycle, and at first I thought it was dumb . . . but I love it!! I love going out with him and just getting away from all the stress.  I think I might want to learn how drive myself. Then I realize that I can’t even drive a car really well. 

With his change in hours, and the kids’ school and activities we have gotten to spend some more time together, and even went to the store alone!!  I don’t think we will do that much more.  There is the worst Badge bunny ever at the store!  I don’t usually get annoyed with people checking DH out, or even a little dorky smile is no big deal . . . but full blown flirting with my husband when I am right there!!  Oh this B.B. got on my nerves.

I found this cute little thing from  http://www.leelofland.com/wordpress/a-cops-world-getting-the-facts-straight/nice site too J

Where did I go?

I hate posts that start out all “I am sorry for being gone.”

The truth is, Life gets busy, crazy busy.

I graduated College!!  I have my degree in sociology.  Yep!

And then I changed my mind.

I am now going to a small Christian College, to get my degree in History Education.

And it is crazy

Each class is only 7 weeks long.  And to get me going I am doing observations for two of the 3 classes this 7 weeks.

It has been nonstop. As I write this I should be writing my 8 page paper on the USSR Space Race.  But let’s face it I need a break!  Did you know that in Russia the last name for Smith is Kervokseriesasderpkikasd?  Yeah me either! (Disclaimer I don’t know if that is a real word in Russian, or if I am cursing some of my readers out or not...It is THAT strange for me).

Tests have to be proctored, each of my three classes require a million pages to read in 5 different books each week, and a 300-million page essay each week.  It is a lot! 

But the coolest part is T-rex supports me in all the way.  We have no idea how we are going to pay for it; we have no idea if I am going to pass my first History class (the teacher grades REALLY REALLY HARD!)  But it is what I want to do.  When I grow up . . ..when I grow more I so see myself teaching high school kids that it is okay to have guns, the old guys who fought some other guys said so! 

I am sure once I am done with college I will sound like I know what I am talking about, but sadly these classes are sucking all thinking power right out my head.

T-rex said he loves what he does, and he would not change it for anything, and why should I settle just because it took me a little longer to find out what I really want to do.  I think he is right, one way or another I am going to do this, and if that means I don’t get to blog as much, or sleep, or watch TV, or read for fun, or clean the house, or cook meals for the kids, then who cares right?  These first 7 weeks classes are almost done, and then it is right back to it.  But I love it.

At the end of the day it is just a JOB.

There is a lot of talk about how being a cop is who you are.  It is more than a Job it is a way of life.  Well as true as some of that is, it is also a bunch of poo.

At the end of the day being a cop is just a J O B.

Don’t get me wrong it is a Job that touches every other part of your life, and can totally take over at times, and consume everything else if you let it.  But it is still just a JOB. 

You are who you are no matter what JOB you have. 

Not to say being a cop or being married to a cop doesn’t affect many other parts of your life. From what you cook, to how you spend family time.

But that is the big issue. . . Family time.  Too often the wife left at home is left to do it all alone. Maybe in a lot of ways that is “Normal”  The wife takes care of the house, and children, and such no matter if she is working or not.

Maybe it’s just more so in a police family.  I see wives who are consumed with the identity of “police wife” I see others who look at this just as a normal 9-5 job their husband has.  I think there needs to be balance.  The guys need our support; they need to know their wife is behind them.  They need to be able to stay focused on work.  There are things the “other half” can do to help.

But there are things the cop needs to do alone.  Turn off cop mode when coming home.  Go off duty when on vacations, or even out to eat in town.   But also, and more importantly would be to put family first. .  .all the time.  The responsibility for the children should never be only on the wife. . If she is working or not. It is not that caring for a child alone is physically, or intellectually exhausting   (although it sure can be!)  But it is emotionally draining.  Feeling trapped by the limits a 5 year old puts on your life is often times balanced by the rewards, but no one can feel trapped all the time without going nuts. 

Take this example. .. John is a cop.  He works strange long hours, and is sometimes the only one out on duty.  Sarah is a nurse for a small hospital; she works with several other nurses all the time.  Little Matt gets sick and has to come home. . Who would pick up little Matt? Sarah right?  Yeah seems about right.  So now Sarah has the stress of her job, along with the stress of having to go home, and the stress of little sick Matt, where SHE will be the one to care for him.  Any job seems less important than that of the cop. . .But it only brings added stress into the family, and Sarah is the one doing it alone, because John is still off being a cop. 

I am not saying I know what is right for every family, and in some families the wife being the one to care for the kids is really the best option, but there does need to be some balance, and the cop in the house needs to be a part of things. .  .no more single but married police wives.  It’s a bunch of BS.  And if that was really the case it’s not worth it.  Family needs to be something both people work on.  Maybe Sarah does always take off work, but John always takes Matt to football, or the DR, or whatever it is. Maybe they all take turns and see what works best, but if Sarah is always rearranging her schedule and John is not, well then Sarah could be doing it alone.