I wanted to write something funny, something entertaining, maybe even something educational. I have even put pen to paper, or fingers to keys, in an attempt to write out what has been going on in a way that would, you know, not suck. The 13 pages of words I have saved in a folder called “BAD DON’T POST!” Do not do my thoughts justice.
This past week T-rex saw his first dead body. There it is said it is out there! But as it is his first dead body it is my first time being the support. And in many ways I feel like I get the short end of the stick here. He is now “one of the guys” well more “one of the guys”. In many ways it is just one more thing that they guys deal with that makes them more of a secret club. It is one more thing that they hold in common, that they can all relate too. It does nothing but furthers my alienation from society. (As if being married to a cop was not bad enough!)
He has a team of people telling him what might happen to him, how to deal with it, and what things to look out for. I have my little self-help books and sociology background. Mostly I am alone. Even other police wives have little advice other than to follow his lead, don’t push him to talk about it, listen when he wants to talk. I am new to this too. And I am sure that the changes this will bring in my life are nothing compared to what T-rex is going to have to deal with, there still are changes in my life because of this. I am now here to deal with whatever fall out there maybe.
Truth be told, I think that T-rex is going to deal with things very well, all things considered. This was not just a normal looking body, but as I have gathered one that was not in a state for an open casket or anything. I am sure that has to take some toll on him. I am grateful I have not had to see this. But then again T-rex is a fan of the gory movies, and I think in part he has desensitized himself to gore and death. And although he says the smell might get to him I think his gas has prepared him for that too! But there is no real training a wife can take to prepare herself for the changes a husband goes through when being a cop. Everything has changed, and keeps changing. I worry sometimes that he will become cynical like so many do, or that he will see the world as full of cops and criminals. I have hope that he will not, I know that he is a strong caring man, and that he understands that there is good in the world, but it is getting harder and harder to see.
The day after dealing with the dead body T-rex had to work a petty property damage case. He was conflicted, or at least sounded that way, and as any wife would tell you what a man says and feels are not always what a woman hears and thinks. But he made a note of saying that it was dumb, this guy could replace the property for under $20.00 and yet was all upset about it. T-rex could not find the empathy when all he could think about was how quick life could end. On the good side he did say he found greater joy in the small things like Rae coming down to sleep with him (even if she was to get him up) the hugs of a 5 year old brought a great big smile to his face. I guess that is good for we all often forget how quick life can change.
For me I just sit back and hope to not see any signs of stress from T-rex. I hope that he does not get angry, or gain what I call the “Jerk disorder.” There are a million books out there that will tell me how this might affect him, but none can really say how this might affect me. I know now and for the rest of my life that my husband has had to see something that I would not be able to handle. And not only has he had to see it but he has had to come home to his family and children and not be able to talk much about it, has had to deal with it on his own, and has to get up and keep going each day. I can do nothing but worry how this will affect him later in life. I cannot help the new worry.
So it’s not funny, entertaining, or even really educational. But it is what I am dealing with right now. It is what is going on with the cop’s wife. In many ways it is why this blog is here. I don’t want other wives to go around thinking it’s odd that they are upset their husband had to deal with something nasty. I am affected by some of the things that go on at his work. He does not try to bring it home, but if it is going to have an effect on him it will have an effect on me.